You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
