I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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