I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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