i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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