well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
