remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
