i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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