im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
