should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
