i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
