i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
