I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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