I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
