I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize