Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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