the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
