butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Green mimosas i think yes
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
