I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
