I'm gonna have a badass scar
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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