I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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