Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
