giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
