I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
