Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I can't turn off my feet"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
