I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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