All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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