i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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