the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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