I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
