I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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