That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
