she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
