Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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