Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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