Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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