i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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