my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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