After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
