I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
