i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize