so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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