Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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