New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Someone signed my nipple.
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