I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
i believe in u and ur pee
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