Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
