why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
