The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Banned from zoo.
Again?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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