I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
