Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
