he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Randomize
