first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize