I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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