You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize