Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
