Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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