yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
