roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
