We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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