does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I am in a vortex of obligation.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
