i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Never underestimate the power of titties
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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